Parting is such sweet sorrow.

WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!
It should say: Parting freaking SUCKS for those not doing the parting.

This past week has been, for me, the most emotionally exhausting week of my life.  I lost my life muse on Wednesday, July 27th at 1:30 in the afternoon.  (See her obituary here)

Grandma

When most people my age hear the word grandma they think of someone on their way ... you know..."out" (Feel free to interpret).  I was totally unprepared.  Totally.  Grandma was an amazingly independent woman of 84. She was everything everyone who knew her aspired to be; kind, humorous, well-read, social, smart, a culinary genius, fair, tolerant, and whatever anyone's definition of perfect is.  But most of all, she loved, she lived, and she was loved back.  Grandpa died 11 years ago, almost to the day. (see his obit.) I was equally unprepared for his passing as well, shut-down for about a week, and never fully filled the hole he left.  11 years is a long time.  It's a long time for grandma to go without her soul mate.  I'm talking Websters definition of true love.  Couples try (or don't try) their whole lives trying for their kind of love.  If you want proof of it, watch this 8 minute video montage assembled by my cousin Jason:
Just watch her look at him.



So in that eleven years since this historical love was temporally disconnected, I became a mother.  It is amazing how 'just' becoming a mother ties me even closer to my already close grandma.  I thought grandpas death was sudden, and painful, but it pales in comparison (I know he won't take offense to that) to the void in my heart that I feel now.  I try replacing it with memories, I try replacing it by visiting with my aunts, uncles, and 41 cousins, their spouses and 71(and counting) great-grand children, I try replacing it with the gospel that she loved.  But what it comes down to, is right now, I just need to let it hurt.

I had a dream Wednesday night (when I finally fell asleep) that I was in Heaven.  It was storybook white and fluffy.  There was a single white-robed figure with shoulder length brown hair standing about 50 yards away with arms stretched out.  When I looked close, I didn't really recognize who it was.  Then she broke out into her unforgettable smile and started running toward me.  I ran toward her and we collapsed in each others arms and just held each other as we laughed and let joyful tears stream down our faces. As we pulled away, I looked into her young blue eyes and she just said, "grandma's baby girl".  I woke up and sobbed.
Her last days on earth were quick, and profound.  I felt comfort, and continue to feel it as I cherish her. I was not with her when she passed, but only a few hours before.  She told me she had a good life. During her final hours, her 9 children were gathered around her and experienced the veil with her as she passed.  She is, without a doubt, with her beloved Jack where she will be once again singing, laughing, and staring starry-eyed at him as they both administer to the loved ones they helped to create.

With passing, comes societal rituals known as viewings and funerals.
First, Wednesday night, (same day as...) my brother Rich suggested an impromptu "Cousins Party" at my parents house.  It was extremely therapeutic.  BJ worked, and I didn't want to be home to mourn alone so I took the kids and we reminisced late into the night while all Grandmas kids (mom, etc) were at Her house planning the viewing/funeral that would take place 2/3 days later.
Thursday was mine and BJ's 13th wedding anniversary.  After I worked from 8-3;30, ALMOST a tear free day, We still managed Olive Garden and "Super 8", with the babysitting help of Paul and Kim.  But neither one of us could steer our thoughts away from Grandma. What an impression she has left on BJ as well.
Friday, I had a school meeting in the morning, and BJ agreed that I should just go straight to my parents house and be with them, go to the temple, whatever I needed to do.  He met up with me at the funeral home at 4:00 with sharply dressed kids (seriously, boys in suits, and ash looking gorgeous as ever).  As the family started to trickle in, I was able to have some one-on-one time with each of the kids and Grandma's memories.  They loved her so much.  They not only felt it, but KNEW it. She lit up when they walked into her sight. And they lit up as they talked about her.  AJ especially.
AJ inherited grandmas keen memory, he is also so tender hearted and just melted when her saw the certainty of her death, draped in flowers, in the chapel of the funeral home.  After AJ regained his composure, he proceeded to visit with other family there and peruse the memorabilia being displayed.  When it came time to gather the family and for the 9 kids to put their "Treasures for mom" in her casket drawer, I got a comfortable spot on the floor and enjoyed listening to some amazing memories.  After about 10 minutes into the "Program" I caught BJs eye and he asked if I could see AJ.  I looked around and didn't see him among the mass of children and sent BJ to check the bathroom.  When BJ came back with a confused look I snuck out to help him look throughout the rather large, home.  The first place I thought to look was the rostrum directly behind grandmas casket but didn't want to disrupt the service so I went around to a south-side entrance door and just peeked in and started to panic when he wasn't there.  BJ had looked through the entire home as well and he was nowhere to be seen.  I went back into the viewing room, to see if he was sitting among his cousins.  When I couldn't see his sandy blonde hair, my already aching heart shot a wave of grief throughout my entire being.  My son was missing.  I've heard of it happening but it has never been longer than seconds for me personally.  My parents and siblings caught my panicked expression and quietly snuck out to help look.  There were even a few Funeral Home employees who dropped their work to help look for him.  He was not inside the home.  He was not on the grounds.  Ben went one way, Matt went another.  BJ got in his car and drove around Main Street.  I crossed the street to a local stream and ditch.  I never want to look in places like that again for my, or any, child.  I didn't stop praying for help.  Begging for help.  Almost 45 minutes later and even more recruits to help search, I peacefully went back into the parlor, opened the north-rostrum door and was overwhelmed with a mixture of relief and grief as my 9 year old "tough-guy" laid red-faced, alone, curled in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably into his callused hands.  I held him while my relieved mom called off the search.
The rest of the viewing was filled with tears, laughter and comfort as we collectively remembered an amazing woman.
Friday Night, the "Cousins Party" was continued while we visited with the family that wasn't able to grieve together on Wednesday night.  BJ and AJ went home because AJ had football tryouts in the morning and might not make it back for the funeral.  Ash, Cars, and I stayed at Mom's house.
Saturday.  Funeral.  Breakfast bagles and Diet Coke delivered by moms good friend Debbie R. The funeral was held at grandmas church of 50+ years. Viewing first, for those who didn't make it Friday night, then the viewing doors were closed and the heart wrenching ritual of the casket closing commenced.  If there was a dry eye, it didn't come from grandma's gene pool.  We proceeded to the chapel for the program. It is not often that you leave a funeral wanting to make some positive changes in your life. All nine of my moms siblings spoke, my Grandma's brother and his wife spoke, There were 2 musical numbers, two prayers, two songs (that I tearfully led), and two remarks.  There were times you could have heard a pin drop.  The kids must have been in an angel induced trance.  I know I was.  Each aunt/uncle spoke in such a way that left you wanting their talk not to end.  They talked of memories of grandma, impacts she left, lives she touched.  They spoke of her laughter, her friendship, her cooking, her parenting (grand-parenting too), her example, her wit and her love. She truly left a [powerful legacy for her posterity to live up to. (and would be dramatically appalled at the grammatical errors and chunky flow of my tribute!)
At the Salt Lake Cemetary, she was laid to rest beside Grandpa. I almost heard the heavens proclaim, "FINALLY!" I actually felt joy.

Saturday Night, we went back to my parents house, reminisced some more, and when we got home and had the kids tucked in bed, AJ came out sobbing again and was able to find some comfort in her memorial video and some personal reminiscing.
Sunday Night: One more night of Family Therapy at Aunt Care's house.  BJ said it right when he said "Having the support group you have, makes the pain bearable".  You got that right.  I have an amazing family, and I can see in each of them little pieces of grandma.  I can also see why each one was her favorite.

I am so grateful for the circumstances of grandma's passing.  She could have gone silently and un-announced, but she chose to postpone her reunion with her sweetheart so we could have a chance to say goodbye. I am so glad that she didn't have to experience months or years of painful rehabilitation, or humiliating dependability, and allowed us to keep only beautiful memories of her remarkable life.

The memories are powerful, Grandma, but parting freaking sucks...so if you don't mind, I think I'll curl up with my son for a while and have a good cry.

Helen Grace Cracroft White
Dearly Loved, Loving Dearly.