We love that Grandpa tries to make it to any event that he can. When Carson has people in the crowd cheering him on, it lights a fire under him. He wants to do the best he can and it shows. Thanks for being there grandpa Russ! (I should take a picture of Grandma who makes it to upwards of 80% of his games. Before each game, he asks, "Did you get a chair for Grandma?", because he loves that she is such a constant part of his crowd.
We got to go check out my dads new work today! He seemed pretty excited as he gave us a tour of this all new facility and showed us some of these exciting recreational vehicles. He is working for Scott Jones, a nearly-life-long family friend. We went to an open house at the new facility today and were so impressed with what we saw! (Even I started thinking maybe one day we could be RV travelers.) It was a fun opportunity to see where dad works and we wish him a happy and successful journey.
When dad came out of his HILARIOUS medicated ride, we were able to take this picture of his incision.
We kid that he had Heart and Brain surgery in the same year. Although this wasn't really brain surgery, but they did remove a 4 inch piece of his skull, push his brain aside to reach down to his ear canal and sever an artery that was causing hearing complications. So not technically "Brain surgery" But that's what we are calling it.
Not much good has come out of the surgery yet, but the doctor seems optimistic...ish. Wait and see. Wait and see. We'd rather him say wait and Hear??
Since I have the day off, I got to go with Dad to the Doctor and take notes, lousily, I might add, to let mom know what happens. After waiting over an hour after the scheduled time, the doctor expertly advised that there hasn't been much progress since the surgery on Dec. 1, but we just need to "Wait and See."
Thanks Doc.
In the meantime, dad can't hear.
But he can eat!
We decided to drown our frustration in creamy pesto dressing from the Spaghetti Factory where dad was brought out of his stupor when we were seated right next to his old friend from his Freightliner days... Mr. England.
See... Something good came out of the surgery.
On a sad side note, after dad's check up, we walked next door to the cancer center to see if Laurie and Boone had finished at Boones check-up since dad expected to hear from them hours prior. Without any success we headed to dinner. After dad got home, to where Boon and Laurie were staying during their visit, he called and told me that Boone was diagnosed with prostate cancer (which was expected) but it had spread to his blood and was untreatable and the optimistic prognosis was 3to6 months of life. Our hearts dropped and ached for Laurie and her kids.
We are so blessed to have this man in our lives. So blessed. In 1998(1999?) dad ended up with a double-bypass heart surgery. I don't think I've ever been more terrified or emotional in my life. Well, a few weeks ago, dad finally admitted to having similar symptoms of the pain he experienced 17ish years ago and was able to be convinced to have a cardiologist do an examination. His appointment couldn't come soon enough and within hours he was in surgery with an incredible team of doctors feeling innovative enough to thread multiple catheders through his heart and basically floss his arteries to remove life stopping build-up. My heart was feeling awfully sick as I waited for updates and announcements regarding his progress. As the quick procedure dragged on for a few extra hours, the more my imagination psyched me out.
I kept imagining an emergency heart replacement surgery. Or worse. I finally decided to blow off my SLCC math class (the prep before the final) and go see for myself. When I arrived, I saw three of my brothers siting with my mom in an otherwise empty room. Within the next 15 minutes, Dad was wheeled in looking weak and pale. Choking on sobs that were trying to escape, I waited for the doctor to tell us the news. He did his best to explain the miracle that occurred in the OR but seemed baffled himself . My dad is suppose to be here. We need him. We love him. We want him around. We are so grateful to the doctors and staff who fixed him up and brought him back from the brink.
Birthdays are a big deal. It doesn't matter how old you are, it is a day meant to be celebrated and enjoyed. Especially with the way the world has been lately. It's more important now than ever before to celebrate survival, happiness and life! Today we celebrated dads birthday. And following tradition from the past few years, dad had to put on everything he opened. And with 5 new shirts and a really warm coat, he was looking pretty hot as he posed on his little carpet catwalk. And in true Kash fashion, she had a whole evening of fun planned... First- a mac'n-cheese bake-off. Whoever wanted to participate made a variation of a homemade favorite. We had a good Variety and mom even had prizes for all the participants. My mexi Mac muffins earned me an "off the beaten path" award that included a monster truck hot wheel and a Mcd's gift card. Then there was a gallon challenge and a cinnamon challenge that everyone got a kick out of. The piñata is always a kid pleaser, but this one didn't allow a lot of hits before the string attachment broke off and we ended up pitching the whole thing to Paul and after his explosive hit, the kids ran to pick as much candy as they could hold. I love getting together and spending time with family. It is my favorite thing in the world. Happy Birthday Dad!
Have I mentioned lately how blessed I am? I really need to count my blessings right now because after getting a picture like this.........
......And knowing that more than half of my family is there while I am home, a bit of perspective will do me good.
So... My current feelings of gratitude are towards my parents. A couple weeks ago when we went to the cabin, I was feeling a little stressed about school, work, and everything I'm piling in my plate. Well, my amazingly intuitive mother picked up on my angst and called a couple days after our return offering her time as a laundress, house-keeper and loving grandparent. I tearfully accepted her proposal and vowed to look at my schedule and let her know a good time to pick up some of my slack. The next day Bj and I had tickets to go see Wicked and though our kids are old enough to leave home, with out parental guidance, I still hate leaving them alone. After we got situated in our center section row seven seats I called home to check in. Aj answered and revealed the secret: grandma and grandpa were there. At our house. My stress level immediately simmered to an all time low and I was able to enjoy the (AMAZING!!!) play even more than I would have been able to. When we got home my parents were gone, but only barely. The house was clean, (including the kids rooms!) laundry was done, the kids were reading in bed to the soft glow of their night lights waiting for their fairy-tale evening to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.
And that is normal behavior for my parents.
Tonight, my dad came out for dinner (since Mom, Matt, Rich, John and their fams are in Tahoe) and played with the kids, went to Carson's soccer practice, cooked corn (that he brought) sliced watermelon (that he brought) and took AJ to scouts. He's such a busy guy but loves being around us and just comes and fills our home with love then let's us enjoy it the rest of the evening.
So although my family isn't witnessing the cycle of life or photographing bears at the luxurious Lake Tahoe with their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandma, we are feeling loved and loving life.
WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!
It should say: Parting freaking SUCKS for those not doing the parting.
This past week has been, for me, the most emotionally exhausting week of my life. I lost my life muse on Wednesday, July 27th at 1:30 in the afternoon. (See her obituary here)
Grandma
When most people my age hear the word grandma they think of someone on their way ... you know..."out" (Feel free to interpret). I was totally unprepared. Totally. Grandma was an amazingly independent woman of 84. She was everything everyone who knew her aspired to be; kind, humorous, well-read, social, smart, a culinary genius, fair, tolerant, and whatever anyone's definition of perfect is. But most of all, she loved, she lived, and she was loved back. Grandpa died 11 years ago, almost to the day. (see his obit.) I was equally unprepared for his passing as well, shut-down for about a week, and never fully filled the hole he left. 11 years is a long time. It's a long time for grandma to go without her soul mate. I'm talking Websters definition of true love. Couples try (or don't try) their whole lives trying for their kind of love. If you want proof of it, watch this 8 minute video montage assembled by my cousin Jason:
Just watch her look at him.
So in that eleven years since this historical love was temporally disconnected, I became a mother. It is amazing how 'just' becoming a mother ties me even closer to my already close grandma. I thought grandpas death was sudden, and painful, but it pales in comparison (I know he won't take offense to that) to the void in my heart that I feel now. I try replacing it with memories, I try replacing it by visiting with my aunts, uncles, and 41 cousins, their spouses and 71(and counting) great-grand children, I try replacing it with the gospel that she loved. But what it comes down to, is right now, I just need to let it hurt.
I had a dream Wednesday night (when I finally fell asleep) that I was in Heaven. It was storybook white and fluffy. There was a single white-robed figure with shoulder length brown hair standing about 50 yards away with arms stretched out. When I looked close, I didn't really recognize who it was. Then she broke out into her unforgettable smile and started running toward me. I ran toward her and we collapsed in each others arms and just held each other as we laughed and let joyful tears stream down our faces. As we pulled away, I looked into her young blue eyes and she just said, "grandma's baby girl". I woke up and sobbed.
Her last days on earth were quick, and profound. I felt comfort, and continue to feel it as I cherish her. I was not with her when she passed, but only a few hours before. She told me she had a good life. During her final hours, her 9 children were gathered around her and experienced the veil with her as she passed. She is, without a doubt, with her beloved Jack where she will be once again singing, laughing, and staring starry-eyed at him as they both administer to the loved ones they helped to create.
With passing, comes societal rituals known as viewings and funerals.
First, Wednesday night, (same day as...) my brother Rich suggested an impromptu "Cousins Party" at my parents house. It was extremely therapeutic. BJ worked, and I didn't want to be home to mourn alone so I took the kids and we reminisced late into the night while all Grandmas kids (mom, etc) were at Her house planning the viewing/funeral that would take place 2/3 days later.
Thursday was mine and BJ's 13th wedding anniversary. After I worked from 8-3;30, ALMOST a tear free day, We still managed Olive Garden and "Super 8", with the babysitting help of Paul and Kim. But neither one of us could steer our thoughts away from Grandma. What an impression she has left on BJ as well.
Friday, I had a school meeting in the morning, and BJ agreed that I should just go straight to my parents house and be with them, go to the temple, whatever I needed to do. He met up with me at the funeral home at 4:00 with sharply dressed kids (seriously, boys in suits, and ash looking gorgeous as ever). As the family started to trickle in, I was able to have some one-on-one time with each of the kids and Grandma's memories. They loved her so much. They not only felt it, but KNEW it. She lit up when they walked into her sight. And they lit up as they talked about her. AJ especially.
AJ inherited grandmas keen memory, he is also so tender hearted and just melted when her saw the certainty of her death, draped in flowers, in the chapel of the funeral home. After AJ regained his composure, he proceeded to visit with other family there and peruse the memorabilia being displayed. When it came time to gather the family and for the 9 kids to put their "Treasures for mom" in her casket drawer, I got a comfortable spot on the floor and enjoyed listening to some amazing memories. After about 10 minutes into the "Program" I caught BJs eye and he asked if I could see AJ. I looked around and didn't see him among the mass of children and sent BJ to check the bathroom. When BJ came back with a confused look I snuck out to help him look throughout the rather large, home. The first place I thought to look was the rostrum directly behind grandmas casket but didn't want to disrupt the service so I went around to a south-side entrance door and just peeked in and started to panic when he wasn't there. BJ had looked through the entire home as well and he was nowhere to be seen. I went back into the viewing room, to see if he was sitting among his cousins. When I couldn't see his sandy blonde hair, my already aching heart shot a wave of grief throughout my entire being. My son was missing. I've heard of it happening but it has never been longer than seconds for me personally. My parents and siblings caught my panicked expression and quietly snuck out to help look. There were even a few Funeral Home employees who dropped their work to help look for him. He was not inside the home. He was not on the grounds. Ben went one way, Matt went another. BJ got in his car and drove around Main Street. I crossed the street to a local stream and ditch. I never want to look in places like that again for my, or any, child. I didn't stop praying for help. Begging for help. Almost 45 minutes later and even more recruits to help search, I peacefully went back into the parlor, opened the north-rostrum door and was overwhelmed with a mixture of relief and grief as my 9 year old "tough-guy" laid red-faced, alone, curled in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably into his callused hands. I held him while my relieved mom called off the search.
The rest of the viewing was filled with tears, laughter and comfort as we collectively remembered an amazing woman.
Friday Night, the "Cousins Party" was continued while we visited with the family that wasn't able to grieve together on Wednesday night. BJ and AJ went home because AJ had football tryouts in the morning and might not make it back for the funeral. Ash, Cars, and I stayed at Mom's house.
Saturday. Funeral. Breakfast bagles and Diet Coke delivered by moms good friend Debbie R. The funeral was held at grandmas church of 50+ years. Viewing first, for those who didn't make it Friday night, then the viewing doors were closed and the heart wrenching ritual of the casket closing commenced. If there was a dry eye, it didn't come from grandma's gene pool. We proceeded to the chapel for the program. It is not often that you leave a funeral wanting to make some positive changes in your life. All nine of my moms siblings spoke, my Grandma's brother and his wife spoke, There were 2 musical numbers, two prayers, two songs (that I tearfully led), and two remarks. There were times you could have heard a pin drop. The kids must have been in an angel induced trance. I know I was. Each aunt/uncle spoke in such a way that left you wanting their talk not to end. They talked of memories of grandma, impacts she left, lives she touched. They spoke of her laughter, her friendship, her cooking, her parenting (grand-parenting too), her example, her wit and her love. She truly left a [powerful legacy for her posterity to live up to. (and would be dramatically appalled at the grammatical errors and chunky flow of my tribute!)
At the Salt Lake Cemetary, she was laid to rest beside Grandpa. I almost heard the heavens proclaim, "FINALLY!" I actually felt joy.
Saturday Night, we went back to my parents house, reminisced some more, and when we got home and had the kids tucked in bed, AJ came out sobbing again and was able to find some comfort in her memorial video and some personal reminiscing.
Sunday Night: One more night of Family Therapy at Aunt Care's house. BJ said it right when he said "Having the support group you have, makes the pain bearable". You got that right. I have an amazing family, and I can see in each of them little pieces of grandma. I can also see why each one was her favorite.
I am so grateful for the circumstances of grandma's passing. She could have gone silently and un-announced, but she chose to postpone her reunion with her sweetheart so we could have a chance to say goodbye. I am so glad that she didn't have to experience months or years of painful rehabilitation, or humiliating dependability, and allowed us to keep only beautiful memories of her remarkable life.
The memories are powerful, Grandma, but parting freaking sucks...so if you don't mind, I think I'll curl up with my son for a while and have a good cry.
Helen Grace Cracroft White
Dearly Loved, Loving Dearly.
When my kids heard it was Grandpa Jack's birthday (who they never had the privlige to know) they wanted to celebrate like we did for Grandpa Joe! "Sure" I said! We even met up with my mom, and Grandpa Jack's wife (AKA Grandma Castleberry and Great Grandma White)
I just want to cry every time I go to a cemetery! This Memorial Day, my kiddies and I tagged along with my parents to visit out "Preceded By's". We visited quite a few graves, but the only ones I remember are My Grandpa White, and Bj's Grandpa White. (Above pic is AJ with his Great Grandpa Joe White -bj's gpa. My mom took pictures at My Grandpa White's grave)
My Grandma White shared a story about when she was a little girl (which I will share the best I can, I was focusing a lot of energy on not crying, so my recollection may be a little foggy): When she went to visit her grandpa's grave for the first time, she noticed the vase hole in the stone, crouched down, cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered directly to him, "Hellooooooooooo Grandpa". Her mom looked down in awe and said, "That's OK!" Since then it has been a tradition for her. It was fun participating, and watching Betsy and Johnny holler down to their great grandparents. I bet they (the deceased & my cousins) look forward to that every year! I know I will from now on!
My Grandpa John L. White, passed away before AJ was born so none of my kids had the privilege of knowing him. He was an amazing man with the kindest heart. Grandpa was so fun to play games with. He is the one who taught me how to play Backgammon, Hand & Foot, Solitare, 21, and many others. He is also the reason I like lemon or lime in my Diet Coke. Just about every time I went there, we would walk in the door, grandpa would stand up, walk into the kitchen, make diet cokes in a tall glass with ice and lemons, then deliver them to his guests. One of my most sought after memories of grandpa are the quiet moments and looks between him and grandma. I think of those moments and am overwhelmed with love. Never, have I seen a couple more in love. It is what I aspire to with BJ. I miss you grandpa.
BJ's grandpa was also a very amazing man. A WWII veteran, like my grandpa, told great stories of his war days. Last Christmas (or was it the one before) Grandma compiled a book of memories from his children and grand children, and had it bound into a hardback book. It also contained his incredible autobiography that he was working on until the end. I knew him for 12 years before he passed away and grew to love him immediately. He was extremely optimistic and was always thinking of ways to bless the lives of others. Joe was so willing to help out with any project, he even helped tile our house 5 years ago. He was so proud of his family, even down to the great grand kids, he had a special place in his heart for all of us and we knew it.
It is understandable that God needs their perfect spirits to help with his work. I feel their spirits often, and although I miss them immensely, I look forward to the day we will be together again.
